Dying inside
by Vaelaa
Summary: I'm smiling but I'm dying inside... WARNING: Well... kinda depressing stuff.


_How can I make sure no one notices me?_

 _I don't wanna conversation with nobody._

 _And it hurts too much to say how I feel_

 _What you don't know, is all I know._

 _How can I make sure that I fool everyone?_

\- Don't you feel dizzy? - Arthur asked, looking at his servant, who was putting the laundry.

\- Why? - Merlin answered on the question with a question and rubbed his arm. It was hurting still, even with Gaius' tonic. That was a quite powerful spell, it would need time to heal, like always. Like every wound.

\- I don't know... maybe because you were in the tavern all night? - Arthur looked at him with anger. Oh yes. Gaius probably said that he was in tavern again. Well, Merlin should get used to that. On beginning that was annoying, that Arthur always thought that he spent his night in the tavern, but now... It was better this way. Merlin didn't want to know what Arthur would do if he knew the truth, that Merlin was risking his life again to save Camelot. How his little, clumsy manservant could be saving his kingdom, he probably would though, and then when he would figure out that Merlin is a warlock, he would kill him. Merlin liked to think that Arthur wouldn't do that. One side of the coin cannot truly hate that what makes it whole. He wanted to think that way, but he saw on his own eyes how Arthur's heart is hardened against magic... and it was mostly Merlin's doing.

\- No... I don't have a hangover. - Merlin answered simply, focused on his work.

\- Good. - Arthur accepted his answer without asking. Probably he thought that if Merlin spent every night in the tavern he has strong head to alcohol. He didn't think about that He'd never saw Merlin drinking or drunk... it was easier. Lies were easier.

 _Gonna wear a suit and tie and put my bravest face on_

 _And it's far too deep to show you this wound_

 _It won't heal no time soon_

 _Nobody knows what I'm going through_

\- We are going to hunt tomorrow after breakfast, so don't be late. - Arthur added and he rose from his table and patted Merlin's arm. Merlin bit his lips, he wanted to hiss with pain, but he couldn't. Arthur left the room without noticing anything. Merlin sighed hard and shrugged off his jacket and went to the mirror. He took off his neckerchief pulled away from his shit from his arm, and looked at his wound from the burn. When it will change into scar it will be merged with a scar after Nimueh's fireball. There was no place on his body which was not covered with scars, but it was nothing. Scars on his body were nothing comparing to scars on his soul. He put on his jacket and neckerchief on and returned to his chores.

 _I'm dying inside_

 _Who knows what I'm thinking_

 _What I'm trying to hide_

 _Yeh I'm dying all night_

After all day of working, he returned to his small chamber. He sat on his bed and sighed. He looked at the wall against him. There were gouges in the wall, made with a knife. Each one represented his failure. First one he did after he returned from Ealdor, after Will death, a reminder. Now it was his wall of shame. A reminder of every day when he wasn't strong enough when he should be better. He is Emrys! Most powerful magic user! And... yet... it was not enough. He couldn't save them. Will... his first friend. The first person who accepted his magic. Who didn't believe that he is a freak, monster? Freya... his beautiful Freya. He should find a way to change her fate. To lift her curse. He promised to keep her safe. He broke that promise. Balinor, his father. He could learn from him so many things... probably he would survive that blade, his magic would keep him alive, but Balinor wasn't him, he couldn't survive that. He shouldn't tell him that he is his son, probably he would be still alive and probably could return to his mother. But it was only 'probably', because of him. Morgana... Dragon... it was a list without end. List of his failures.

 _I'm breathing but I can't feel life_

 _I'm smiling but I'm dying inside_

It was hard, to find a reason to get up from bed every morning. He looked out the window after another sleepless and saw the sunrise, but he wasn't strong enough to get up. He wanted to lay there all day. After a few minutes he rose anyway, he had to. This is his work, his life, his destiny... sometimes he hates this word. That his life was foretold a long time ago and everything was planned. He felt like a puppet on destiny great act and he knows something about his role so not always he can improvise but he doesn't know everything. It was terrible.

\- Merlin! You will be late again! - he heard Gaius' voice.

\- I'm coming! - he answered and left his room, he gave Gaius a warm smile and then he ran to the kitchen to take Arthur's breakfast.

How can I make sure I'm invisible

Or find just a simple phrase that may say it all

Cos it's far too soon and not the right time

What I've seen was for my eyes

And how can I make sure no one worries for me

They went hunting, Merlin was far too tired to disturb the killing of animals. He didn't like that knights find joy in killing for sport, but he really stopped care about that. So he just stayed behind. Arthur even complimented that! That he is making progress or something like that, but Merlin didn't listen. They were hunting not far away from Lake of Avalon. He didn't want to go there, but they were going in that direction. When knights saw the lake, Gwaine whistled at the view. Yeah, it was amazing, no matter of season, this lake always looked wonderful. But it was another reminder of his mistakes. It was grave of Freya and Lancelot.

\- Merlin, are you ok? - he heard Leon's voice. Merlin shook his head and looked at knight.

\- Yeah, I'm fine. - simple lie. - It is just... nice view. - he answered.

\- Don't be such a girl Merlin! - Arthur shouted and laughed.

\- Only when you stop being a prat. - Merlin answered with a smile, knights smiled too. It was normal for King and his manservant, they ignored that and returned to making camp. Only when stopped looking at Merlin, his smile disappeared.

'Cos I don't need helping hand and don't want sympathy

Don't know what I need but know what I don't

What you can't see it feels so broke

That you can't see is how I'll cope

\- Merlin... what did happen? - Gaius asked, looking at his ward sitting at stairs. Gaius knew more than everyone, but even he didn't know how Merlin was feeling. Nobody could understand that. That burden. It was beyond them.

\- Nothing... - Merlin whispered and rubbed his face with hands. - I'm just tired, that was a long day.

Another lie. Yeah, he was tired, but that was not about the day. He was tired of his life. Of lying, of hiding, of suffering.

\- I will go to my room, I need sleep. - Merlin added after a while and without waiting for an answer he went to his room, closed the door and sat on his bed. He knew that he could tell Gaius about everything, but he didn't want to worry him. His guardian probably knew that something is wrong, but Merlin couldn't tell him. Because he would understand, he would be a worry, he would talk with Merlin about it... he didn't want that. He didn't want that people felt pity for him. He wasn't weak... he was just tired.

 _I'm dying inside_

 _Who knows what I'm thinking_

 _What I'm trying to hide_

 _Here I'm dying all night_

 _I'm breathing but I can't feel life_

 _I'm smiling but I'm dying inside_

Even in his dreams, he couldn't find relief. He had nightmares. Always. Every night when he was sleeping. He was seeing Arthur's death. His the worst nightmare. He spends all life protecting him, knowing that he is destined to die and there is nothing that Merlin can do about it. No, he will change that. He will change Arthur's destiny. There had to be a way. When he woke up in the middle of the night, he was thinking about his nightmare. Maybe he should find and kill Mordred? That could be an option. Merlin didn't realize that sun raised, he did that when he heard Gaius' voice again, telling him that he is late... again. He wore his goofy smile and left his chamber.

Want everyone around to think that I'm alright

Hope they assume

I've left the dark and found the light

Want them to think that I don't cry myself to sleep at night

\- Merlin, what do you think about Sefa? - Queen asked with a smile when she was eating her breakfast with Arthur. King looked at her with surprise.

\- She... is nice? - Merlin answered when he was cleaning the floor. He didn't care about Sefa, he had to think a while to figure out who Sefa even is. He knew that she is Gwen's maidservant, but he sometimes forgot that there is someone else than Arthur, Gwen, Gaius, and Knights in Camelot. All his life was focused on them.

\- Maybe you two should spend some time together? - Gwen suggested and Arthur almost choked. Merlin realized what Gwen is trying to do. She is so good soul, he wants to make everyone happy, but she didn't know what it is far too late for Merlin. His life purpose was keeping her husband alive, nothing more. The family was not for him. He started to think about Freya. What would happen if he left Camelot with her? Abandon his destiny. They would have a small house next to the lake, children... a wonderful dream. But dreams never come true.

\- Maybe... I will think about it. - Merlin answered, knowing that if he would say hard 'no' it would be suspected. Gwen smiled and Merlin returned to cleaning the floor.

 _Here I'm dying inside_

 _Who knows what I'm thinking_

 _What I'm trying to hide_

 _Here I'm dying all night_

 _I'm breathing but I can't feel life_

 _I'm smiling but I'm dying inside_

* * *

Used song: Dying inside by Gary Barlow


End file.
